Locked in a Cellar/Transcript


 * Tabbes: This story takes place in a church basement. Yeah I know that's a real beautiful way to start. Sounds shady as....heaven? But it is what it is. I was 9 at the time. Fresh out of Walmart, and there was this squad I always used to hang out with. These were the rugrat friends I grew up alongside and the ones who were willing to go through all the crazy shenanigans on our bucket list. So let me give you a brief introduction to those guys. This was Afro, the oldest and toughest of the bunch.
 * Afro: (scary-ish grunt) GRR!!
 * Tabbes: He looks like a Geodude with an afro. This is Jaws, the hyper kid whose body was made of 75% sugar instead of water. I'm telling you this kid would be chasing cars one second, and then doing the Funky Chicken on a rooftop the next. I'm afraid the day he tries Red Bull. This is Gal. The sassy hipster "Yaaas bitch!" Icon "kween" with the letter K, whatchamacallit gangster girl.
 * Gal: THE ASS IS DEAD. BET.
 * Tabbes: Reebok, the happy go lucky, yet competitive, sports kid of our group. And finally some kid we found on the street. ("MY BRO") We would always do wild shit like running off into shady neighborhoods, challenging ourselves to she how many Warheads we could fit into mouths until one of us bled our tongues, play fighting which wasn't really play fighting and other feisty things. Just your average hooligan kids looking for some fun. Now our squad would always hang around the church basement. WHY? 'Cause we was basement dwellers before was cool. No, it was actually because the church basement wasn't used a whole lot with the adults. There was also a perfectly function AC which just attracted our sweaty little bums, since we were always running around, and right next to that AC there was another door on the left side of the basement which none of us ever entered because the adults always told us that we weren't "allowed to". You know how kids are curious little mofos sometimes? Well Afro, who was the oldest of our group told us:
 * Afro: Yo, you guys never been in that cellar room, right? The adults are definitely hiding something from us if they're not letting us in there. I remember when no one was looking one time, I opened that door and took a peek inside. It was pitch black and FREEZING in there, but the craziest thing I saw was this glowing red eye on the wall.
 * Gal: (scoff) UGFH.
 * Tabbes: Oh please.
 * Reebok: (gasps) A DEMON?!?
 * Afro: Maybe. I say we go in there and beat it up.
 * Tabbes: With our underdeveloped brains, we believed him for the most part. Gal was a little more skeptical about the words coming out of his mouth.
 * Gal: Give me a break! A red eye!? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Even stupider than Jupiter.
 * Jaws: Y-Y-Yeah! I'm not afraid of some red eye. Not saying it's real or anything like that...but you sound retarded Afro!
 * Afro: Oh, yeah? Then you go in there. You chicken! I dare you!
 * Jaws: You first!
 * Reebok: Kiss, kiss, kiss!
 * Tabbes: N-No, Reebok, that's not the situation right now!
 * Afro: No, I asked you Puthy!
 * Jaws: Fight you right now, you SCRUB. (Afro and Jaws begin fighting)
 * Tabbes: Swing, mmotherfuckers, swing, swing!!!!
 * Reebok: OOOOOOOHH!!! You said a bad word!
 * Tabbes: In the end we decided we would all go inside that cellar together because FWENSHIP IS MAGIC!!! And literally solves every problem known to mankind. Now before heading into the forbidden room, (Our Light Sources) we brought a PSP, a gameboy, yeah, I know I'm old as fuck. And one of them annoying Spongebob hand crank flashlight things that go... (cranking sounds) ..if you press the button every three seconds to turn the damn thing on. All of us had a grip on each other to make sure nobody dipped the last second. We were ready.
 * Gal: Jaws, what are you wearing? Can you take that off?! You can't even see through that.
 * Jaws: Nah, this bucket is gonna protect my head.
 * Afro: Buddy, it's too late for that. You were already dropped on your head when you was born! (everyone else does "damns" and "oohs")
 * Jaws: WUT CHU SAY TO ME!?! (Afro and Jaws begin fighting again with "technical difficulties" screen)
 * Tabbes: Are you two done?
 * Afro and Jaws: Yep.
 * Tabbes: Okay NOW we are ready. We open the door and we all stepped inside. The moment the door closed, there was an automatic click behind us. (door creak and click)
 * Bro: Wait....what? (tries to open) It's locked!
 * Gal: You're lying! Who was the last person to come in?!
 * Reebok: I think it was Afro.
 * Tabbes: Oh you snitch!
 * Gal: You idiot!! Now we're trapped here!!
 * Afro: Okay, but WHO thought it was a GOOD idea to have a DOOR that locks from BEHIND us when it CLOSES?!
 * Gal: AHAH!! Durh obviously the bozo who installed it!
 * Afro: So why are you blaming me?!
 * Tabbes: You fools. Well, since we're stuck here now we might as well find a way out. (whooshes to the door and starts pounding it) Help, help, help, help.
 * Reebok: I don't think any adults are gonna hear you Tabbes, they're all in the other building. Maybe there's a key or something else in this room that can help us.
 * Bro: Uh-huh-ho! Is this gonna be like one of those escape room type things?
 * Gal: What? You think this is some kind of game, huh? Think it's some kind of game to you? I'LL SMACK YOU!
 * Bro: Y'all hear somethin'?
 * Tabbes: After looking around a bit, there was a walled out section that had a few boilers there. On the other side of the room there was an old kiddie pool, pile of toys, some other rusty junk and other unexplored areas further down. Reebok also found an old Barbie doll in the pile of toys. (doll plays "Barbie Girl" (sung by Chilly Panda))
 * Gal: Turn that off! It's creepy!
 * Reebok: I can't, I think it's broken.
 * Tabbes: Hey guys, look at this cool stuff. Let's see, we got a large pair of shears, a jackhammer, a sledgehammer, a shovel? Ooh a bucket of sand! It's Christmas. And some old gloves.
 * Jaws: Holy cow we're in some kind of torture room!
 * Gal: What if someone's in here with us? They're gonna bury us alive after they find out we're here!
 * Bro: I don't want to be one of those kids in the back of a milk carton! Get me out of here!
 * Tabbes: Jaws grabbed the sledgehammer and headed towards the door.
 * Jaws: YO SCREW THIS!!! WE'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE!
 * Afro: DUDE CALM DOWN!
 * Tabbes: Reebok and I kept looking around until we eventually found this crack of light up above, there were some stairs leading towards that light.
 * Reebok: Ar- Are we dead?
 * Tabbes: Nah, that looks like the cellar opening. Is this what Afro was talking about with the red eye? 'Cause if it is, 1. I'm reeeaaallly disappointed and 2. He's colorblind as fuuuucccckkkk.
 * Reebok: Hip-hip hooray!! We found our way out!
 * Tabbes: Settle down Dora. We'll probably get in big trouble after this. I touched the cellar door and it was burning hot. Ah, jeez! That's hotter than Satan's butthole!
 * Reebok: We're in a church.
 * Tabbes: That day in particular was near a hundred degrees, and these metal doors were just absorbing that heat from the sun. Everyone else gave it a go and agreed that burning our hands off wasn't gonna work.
 * Afro: SOOOO, does this mean we have to wait until fall? So we can open it?
 * Gal: Are you kidding?! You think I'm spending all summer vacation in the same room as you?!?! EW!
 * Tabbes: I got it! (finger snap) The gloves near the tool seem thick enough to lessen any burns or damage, simple idea, but worth a shot. I wore it and slowly push the door upwards and voila! We were free!
 * Everyone: We're out! HAHA!! The door broke. WOO!!! We're out. Yeah! ("We're All in This Together" from High School Musical in the background)
 * Tabbes: (record scratch) Oh, crap. When we all came out, our teacher was already waiting near the fence, arms crossed and everything. We stared at her for a good 10 seconds before she said:
 * Teacher: Are you all out of your minds?
 * Afro: THAT'S. MESSED. UP! You were chilling while we were screaming our faces off down here?! (flashback to kids screaming with teacher doing nothing)
 * Teacher: Sometimes these kids just gotta learn the hard way.
 * Bro: Wait, but teacher you would have never guessed what we found in there, there were torture weapons!
 * Teacher: Torture weapons?
 * Bro: Yeah, there were like sledgehammers, and-and-and these large scissors, oh! And shovels probably to bury people afterwards.
 * Teacher: You kids and your wild imaginations. Those are the church's gardening tools.
 * Tabbes: Wha-?
 * Teacher: For those plants over there?
 * Everyone: Ohhhhh....
 * Teacher: We don't enter that room unless we need to use those tools, or store things we could use for a garage sale.
 * Tabbes: She made us apologize to the main gardener dude, and luckily the guy took it well. But our teacher was a whole different story. We got in load of trouble after that, do kids learn either way? Absolutely not. We continued roaming around there whenever we pleased and got in trouble over and over again, good times.

End-card

 * Chilly Panda: (singing "Barbie Girl") I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie World! Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere! Imagination, life is your creation! COME ON BARBIE, LET'S GO PARTY!!!!!